ohmyarceus | DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT (for Team Rocket's glory)

[Traveling's still a bitch. Ass-Gore isn't nearly big enough to ride, and Mafuyu has yet to make with the fire horse he's been asking for for months. This? This is why he doesn't do eggs. It takes too damn long.]

[So he's stuck with his bicycle. And while it's a sleek, bright yellow and black model, top of the line...it's still a bicycle. There's a friggin' basket on the handles. That's currently filled with an alarming amount of fat houndour puppy. Cattrap may be able to run alongside, but Doom Boner barely understands the concept of 'running'.]

[But none of that matters right now. Jack sees the woman as he crests a rise, traveling along the road ahead.]

[That? That's a hot chick. With an awesome hat. Now that is a sight to see. There aren't near enough women around here. Wow, that's a nice hat. She's cute. And that style...that's familiar. She looks like she could have stepped right off of an Eden transport.]

[While he's not dressed in his trademark outfit, it's his yellow Hyperion shirt he's wearing under a brown button down. And of course, his mask is fixed in place, as it always is when other people can see him. If she is another transplant from his corner of the galaxy, she'll recognize him. And probably swoon. Like the ladies do.]

[He coasts down the hill and pulls the bike up in a dramatic skid on the dirt road beside her, grinning already.]

Well this beautiful day just got a whole lot more beautiful....waitaminute...

[Had he heard that right?]

Did you just say....Rhys?

[Fiona narrows her eyes the moment she sees someone riding up the road. She can't make out the figure until the person skids to a stop in front of her. She's having a "YOU!" moment as the person on the bike cannot be who she thinks it is. Handsome Jack is dead - twice over. What the hell is he doing here riding some ridiculous looking bike?

The moment he opens his mouth to speak she knows it's true. She also knows that the last time Handsome Jack spoke to her was when he threatened to shoot her full of bullets while he watched through a monitor. And now he's asking about Rhys. Oh-ho, she'll show him what she thinks about that.]

Sonofabitch!

[She balls up her fist and swings, connecting with that oh-so chisled jaw of his. She wants to knock his ass onto the ground before she shoots him - after a little interrogation of course. Rhys said that Handsome Jack had been in his head before. Maybe this had been their plan all along.]

SON OF A TAINT!

[What the hell?!?! Jack goes tumbling off his bike, sprawling onto his back in the dirt. The bike topples over, Doom Boner yelping as he's tumbled out of the basket in an oozing blob of fur and puppy fat.]

What the hell's the matter with you!?!? Is it 'cause I mentioned Rhys? What did that idiot do to you? Whatever it was, I had nothing to do with it! Go punch him! I'm a friggin' innocent bystander just tryin' to be a nice guy...

[Because hey, she'd said Rhys. He'd said Rhys. Then she'd punched him. Rhys is an idiot, and probably the type that pisses women off. Ergo, it makes perfect sense that he's getting socked hard enough to make his vision blur because that dumb friggin' kid made an ass of himself over Pink Stripe here.]

Don't nice guy me, asshhole. You know, the puppies aren't about to fool anyone. Well, maybe an idiot - speaking of idiots...

[Fiona walked over to Jack, fully intending to point her gun in his face. Because, let's face it, when a guy threatens to riddle you with bullets, you don't let him off easy the next time you see him. She stopped inches from where he sat on the ground and pointed her finger at him, jerking her right arm so that the pistol would slide into position.]

I know you and Rhys were working together. Where is he?

[Only nothing happened. She tried again with the same result. Stepping away, she patted the arm of her jacket and was shocked to find that her gun wasn't jammed - it wasn't there at all.]

Hey, don't bring Doom Boner into this!

[Upon hearing his name - and noticing the predicament of his Trainer - the houndour waddles over to place himself between Fiona and Jack. He plants his legs widely apart, taking a squat, intimidating pose....]

[And promptly begins to wiggle and loll his tongue out.]

Yeah, some great guard dog you are. Look, lady, of course Rhys was working for me, he's Hyperion. He's back in Goldenrod, I guess, I dunno! He's a really crappy employee, doesn't even pick up half the time I call...

[Great. A hot chick shows up. A hot chick with balls. And a cute hat. And she's Pandoran. Bandit Pandoran. Why does this planet keep dumping in people who hate him?]

Uh...we're not on Helios, babe. I...I don't know why you're doing that at me...with the finger. You wanna let me get up? Or do you wanna keep acting like a crazy lady in the middle of the road?

Uh...the right answer's that first one.

[It's the dog that does it. She's never seen a dog like that before - so fat and squashy she wants to pick it up and smother it with adorable puppy hugs. This is the sort of thing that Fi would have expected to find draped over Handsome Jack's shoulders in some weird Corporate Villain suit jacket, not as a pet.

Of course, there was that weird crystal unicorn in his office. That bled. Ugh, she really shouldn't have thought about that. Now she feels bad.

She puts her hand down and steps back, giving him space to sit up. She doesn't trust him, but for the moment he didn't seem seconds away from pulling a gun on her. Also, he didn't seem to know who she was, either, which was equally strange.

Time to get some questions answered.]

So, Rhys is here in a town owned by Hyperion. That... doesn't make any sense.

Ha, I wish Hyperion owned this place! Nobody does. This is an uncharted planet, sweetheart, and some weird powerful alien zapped ya here. Like it did to me. And Rhys. And a bunch of other people.

[Jack gets to his feet and dusts himself off. He runs his hand along the line of his mask, at the point where Fiona punched him. he only has the one, and not exactly the means to fix it up if it gets damaged. But it feels fine.]

Now how about we start over, huh? Hi, pretty woman I don't know and have nothing against yet, I'm Handsome Jack. You are...?

[Fiona crossed her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow.]

I'm... not buying this.

[Oh, he knows her. A con can sniff out another con, and Jack's as slippery as they come.]

Rhys must have had you somewhere in his head when we opened the Vault. That's the only explanation for why you're here on this unknown planet. Something in the Vault must have pulled you out of his head and into a body. Don't know how, and I don't really care. If you want to really start over, you can cut the Handsome Jack routine and just take me to see Rhys. Then maybe we can get out of here.

[....huh. Jack just watches her, listening to every word. Opened the Vault. Had him in his head? Rhys had...Jack in his head? He'd gone crazy and thought that his beloved boss was living inside him? Whoah. He'd known the kid was dedicated, but that was reaching Nakayama levels of...]

[Waitaminute. Nakayama. That AI program he'd spent ridiculous amounts of company time on. Whatever happened to that? he doesn't know. It had been on Helios, probably, in the scientist's lab.]

[Rhys worked on Helios. Rhys had cybernetics. ECHO eye, data mining tech, net hookup, the whole deal. In his brain. He's seen the useless remains, everything's rendered useless on this planet.]

[Now what could go into an ECHOnet neural port and result in somebody having a bodyless Handsome Jack inside their head?]

Holy shit, Nakadrama llama really did it? I mean...you are talking about the Handsome AI Program, aren't you? That was plugged into Rhys' cyberport?

[Now why hadn't Rhys mentioned this little tidbit? Oh they were gonna have such a chat...]

[Fiona shrugged]

You got me. I always thought he was crazy. A few meat bicycles short of a psychoes parade. But, he knew things about Helios that only someone really close to Jack would be able to figure out. Could be an AI Program. Still doesn't make me want to trust you like we're best bros.

Ha! Yeah, that sounds like Rhys. But sweetheart, I swear to you on the soul of my beloved Butt Stallion, I never met the kid before he showed up on my Pokegear. Here.

[He spreads his hands in a 'swear it, ma'am!' gesture. Hey, maybe this is salvageable after all!]

[She's really cute.]

I was busy opening a Vault, dealing with some asshole Vault Hunters, then I was here. You don't have to trust me. Just...don't punch me. You break it, you buy it, you know. And I don't think you could afford that.

[A synthskin replica of his unblemished face custom made to attach directly into ports on his own face had not come cheap.]

[Fiona wrinkled her nose in disgust. She didn't want to buy anything Jack was selling. It was against her better judgemet to believe what he was saying but it sounded as close to the truth as she was ever going to get from someone like him. And he swore on the crystal unicorn. For the moment, she could drop some of the animosity.]

The name's not sweetheart. It's Fiona. And I think we might be on to something with this Vault thing. Could be a clue to getting off this freakshow of a planet and back to Pandora... which, I can't believe I just said.

Fiona! I like that.

[And he likes her spunk.]

Honestly, I can't tell you which planet's better. This one or Pandora. They're both ungoverned frontier worlds full of weird, mutated animals. Except on this one, weapons don't exist and neither does dying or apparently space travel. Vaults, though....

[He shrugs. He's thought about the very same thing. He knows all there is to know about Vaults, and the power they contain. The Vault of the Warrior had been open. Ish. And Lilith had done something with her freaky siren powers. He's heard the rumors about godlike Pokemon, slumbering beneath the earth.]

Wouldn't surprise me if there was one of those here. Look, you want a ride into town? Boner's got dibs on the basket, but the back's all yours! I'll buy you lunch, we'll talk Vaults.

[Decisions, Decisions. She could hop on the back of Jack's pedal bike, accept that she'd have to put her arms around his waist to keep from falling off (or at least one arm on his waist and the other on her hat), and drop her guard that much more to accept his help. Or, she could refuse and walk back to town alone, still uncertain of where she was or how she could possibly get home.

One way or another, something told Fiona that Jack would remember her choice. She could make an enemy or a shaky ally. She just hoped she wouldn't regret this later.]

Fine. But make a move while I'm on the bike and your ass will be in the dirt so fast you won't have time to think of a witty pick up line. Got it?

Wow! What move do you think I could make on a rolling bike, with you behind me? I actually wanna know, that sounds like it could be fun!

[He picks his bike back up and then heaves a sigh. Doom Boner is looking up at him expectantly. The bike is ready to go! He belongs in the basket! Why isn't he in his basket already?]

And Doom Boner's just a baby, we don't want to scar his poor virgin psyche! Alright, you useless pile of lard and bones, let's go.

[And with an audible grunt, Jack hauls the puppy up and deposits him in the basket. He's not surprised she agreed. He's got a way with people. Even people that don't like him.]

[And she thinks his pickup lines are witty!]

I mean, all joking aside, I'm the one putting myself at risk here. What's to stop you from jabbing a pen into my neck while I'm driving? But I like to believe the best in people!

[She rolled her eyes at him, wondering why the hell she was getting on the bike with Jack. There were a million things wrong with this situation. Of course, being here on this strange planet was equally as messed up.]

You're in luck. I don't happen to have a pen handy. But I've been known to make a weapon out of the strangest of things.

[She climbed onto the bike, shifting the backpack over her shoulders.]

Truce until we reach the next town. For the puppy's sake. I can't believe you named it Doom Boner.

Yeah, you're Pandoran.

[Why were all the hot ones crazy and harboring homicidal intentions toward him?]

[He regards the bike and the bandit girl on it. He knows this can work. He's seen it on TV. He's just never been stuck with such a primitive mode of transportation before.]

Alright, I...you know, I don't think I've ever done this. Not with a bicycle. I think you need to sit sideways. So we don't crash when I try and pedal. And of course I named him Doom Boner, look at him! All doom-y and bone-y looking.

[Fiona sighed and stood up once more. In a strange way he reminded her of Rhys. She didn't know if that was a compliment or a serious insult - to either Rhys or Handsome Jack.]

Get on the bike. I'll... squeeze in behind you. How long is it to the next town?

Go ahead and squeeze anything you want!

[Like he's not gonna make a comment. She's cute! Clearly bicycles have some positives going for them.]

[He swings his leg over the bike and settles into position. If he's gonna be on a bike, he's gonna be Handsome Jack on a bike. His sheer aura of awesomeness automatically makes whatever he's doing cool, including this.]

All aboard, beautiful! It's not too long. Longer uphill than down, but we'll get there before dark. And in the meantime...you get the greatest gift ever. My company!

DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT (for Team Rocket's glory)

TEST DRIVE MEME

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