ohmyarceus | JANUARY - FEBRUARY TEST DRIVE MEME

[Video]

[The feed turns on to show a snotty little brat with hair meticulously styled and dyed with an obnoxious purple stripe in the middle. To his chagrin, he lacks all the markers that would otherwise make it obvious he's a troll—horns, grey skin, yellow-orange sclera, his fins—in fact, the only trait that stuck was his sharp teeth, which he clicks together before speaking. Giving the feed a long, unnecessary stare down.

At least he kept his piss-baby attitude, but that's more of an experience than something one can so easily see. Probably.]

Greetin's all you lowbrow plebeian animals.

[Charmed, I'm sure.]

So, I think I'm startin' to get the hang of this Fiduspawn wanna be bee-ess—to the surprise a' no one, seein' as I'm fuckin' kickass at ewerythin'.

[He might be popping his scarf like it's some sort of collar. Yes, it looks as stupid as it sounds. And furthermore, he doesn't even seem to realize just how ridiculous he is right now, not that'd he'd even care if he had the self-awareness.

A look to match that horrendous accent, that much is certain.]

But, ewen with my natural ability to be a royal as fuck badass at all things I deign worthy a' my attention, that ain't gonna change the fact that I'm lacking some basic know-how regardin' these little beasts.

[beat]

Not a fault 'a my own, of course, not like I asked to be plucked up after that fuckin' mess back where I came from, only to be hurled downright rudely into this obnoxious—

[he waves his hand in a circular motion, as if he's trying to conjure the word through the gesture]

—shithole.

So, any a' you worth your fuckin' weight in beetles come forth and tell me the not-so-obwious deets—useful shit only. [a finger wag] Any of you thinkin' a wastin' my precious time, fuck the hell off into the cold reaches a paradox space for all I bloody care. Ain't no body—least of all me—got time for that noise.

[He says that like he's mature enough to not take people's bait. In reality and not on planet dumbass, he's as bad as the fish he shares an aquatic persuasion with: he'll take the hook of about anything thrown his direction.

Happy fishing!]

[This child --Pieck is certain it is a child, of sorts, though certainly more spoiled and well-fed than the lot she generally sees-- is ridiculous. Even Pokko at his worst and most surly isn't as ridiculous at this. It'd be easy to let him be, perhaps let experience teach him that such attitudes don't tend to get many results, but then... where would the fun be in that?

Pieck messages laying in an odd tangle of limbs on what seems to be some sort of couch. Her long hair, while not unwashed, has been left to fall down to frame her slightly sallow face in loose tangles, as if her appearance isn't much of a concern to her. Visible, just at the edge of the frame, are a great quantity of greyish-brownish fur that is sharing the divan with Pieck (maybe a pokemon?) and a crutch leaning against the back of the couch.]

It is a little rude, bringing us all here like this. But maybe they just wanted to meet a stunning royal like yourself.

[Immediately he perks up at her compliment, and it's clear he's just that easy. While he might not be too impressed with how she looks, he can't complain if she's got a working thinkpan in that drab skull of hers!]

And what would you be? Merely a member a' the audience brought here to beholdin' my stunnin' and jaw droppin' existence?

[A pause as he looks at what else in on screen, eyeing the crutch for a moment.]

You some sorta gimp.

[The way it's said is more an accusation, than a question.]

It seems I was brought here same as you. Perhaps I am also some sort of royal.

[When Eridan asks her about her crutch (quite rudely) she glances at it for a moment, before returning her gaze to him.]

It's just that it seems I've forgotten how to walk on two legs for the moment.

[That is announced completely casually as if people routinely forget how to walk on two feet.

Of course, it might be a little more understandable if Eridan knew she had just spent her last few months as a giant, four-legged titan, but alas. Quite ignorant on that, he is.]

I think it will pass. Or maybe not. We will see.

[It will absolutely pass. It has always passed. But why be more exact with this child?]

Psh! If you ain't aware a' your royal lineage then you likely ain't no bloody royal. Don't kid yourself.

[Rude is how he rolls, unfortunately.]

Wait, how the fuckin' shit do you just forget how to walk? You got a broken sponge in that pan of yours or somesuch?

[He asks as if that's not rude at all. His skyhorse did a poor job teaching him manners, it seems.]

[Pissbaby recognize pissbaby, player, and here comes the biggest one of all.]

Well, hi there, Stripe!

[The voice is cheerful, bright, and just the slightest bit grating. The face that goes along with it, leering up into the camera, is... yeah. It's cheerful, certainly, but beyond that, it's something to behold. One beady, yellow eye, bloodshot and bulging out of the man's skull, peers at Eridan; the other one is sealed shut somehow, through an injury or bad hygiene or self-afflicted surgery is anyone's guess. Straggly, greasy hair falls over Bill's bulbous forehead, and his mouth... good god, his mouth. He has mouth for daaaaaays, and all those days look like ones at the end of the world. And that thin-lipped, brown-toothed mouth is the one right up and in the camera.]

Glad to see I'm not the only one who's new at this! What've you figured out so far?

[Eridan visibly reels back as he sees... what he assumes is a human, but most certaintly the lowest end of whatever spectrum humans have for themselves.

Now, to be fair, it's not like Eridan is a master of human knowledge, nor does he care enough to learn all the different types. So he feels it's just as fair to lump this guy with the being nothing more than the human equivalent of troll society's degenrate rust bloods, and other equally biologically unappealing people.

His eyes linger on his hair for a moment, before he takes in the nickname he was just bequeathed. Stripe....]

Euugh... You'd think you would know how to present yourself before askin' your better for adwice, but I suppose you humans are always lackin' in means of decorum.

[There we go, throw some insults to calm that rise of bile in his throat, even if no one would blame him for his resolve breaking in the face of this monstrosity.]

Also, who the fuck are you to ask me? I ain't sharin' no secrets, especially not when I am making a request here and you ain't got the basic decency to pony up your own deets.

[Ah, gotta lean back to take in all the majesty of it, huh? Bill understands that. Such a fine specimen such as himself can't be taken in all at once, and he leans back a little himself. There you go, now you can see his extremely fashionable bowtie and the way his chin blends right into his shoulders. No useless neck here!]

Presentation is very important.

[Nod nod nod, sending all those multiple chins jiggling. No disagreement here!]

But I'm not a human! This is just the meat suit I'm wearing right now!

[Slightly unhinged laughter.]

Being in three dimensions is a trip, isn't it?

[His jaw tightens as more of this amorphous blob of a person presents himself to be regarded. The lack of a neck is almost as disturbing on its own than the rest of him combined.

Okay, maybe not that disturbing, but it's new and fresh and he can't stop staring at the jiggling chins...]

Fuckin' fuck, you're like a skywhale mated with a load of rottin' rubbish, you know that?

[Not human, tho? That means whoever brought him here gave him the worst meat suit they had. Who did he piss off? Suddenly, Eridan feels a whole lot more content with his human suit.]

Uh, sure whatewer about the third dimension. Full time resident and such, so can't say it's anythin' outta the ordinary. But, uh, you should probably find a new human suit than the one you're currently bein' saddled with, it's fuckin' somethin' awful.

[Was that supposed to be upsetting? If it was, it completely misses the mark as Bill just laughs, loudly and uproariously. Congratulations, Eridan, you get treated to the sight of that gaping maw, and all its spitty, brown-toothed glory, up close and personal again. You know how sometimes, you see something so terrible and gross, you swear you can smell it?]

[That is Bill's mouth right now.]

Are you getting angry? Why? Don't like how you got the human suit with the emo dye job... Stripe?

[And as if that horrible smell were wafted straight into his face, his nose scrunches with repulse.]

I ain't so easily bothered, giwe me a bit more credit.

[God!]

And eff-why-aye: this pink, fleshy, downright inferior sack a' meat they dare to call a suitable body for a bloody royal a' my pedigree is a bloody insult. But, if it were between what I got and what you got?

[He just lets out an indignant, humorless laugh.]

[The nose scrunch is weirdly endearing. Haha, he got a reaction!]

You're royalty?

[Bill perks up at that, his sparse eyebrows rising to his equally sparse hairline and his rheumy, running eye lighting up. He flutters his weirdly precise eyelashes at Eridan, and nods his head in what looks like an attempt at a bow. Kind of hard to bow properly when you don't have a neck.]

Didn't realize I was in the presence of... a prince? A future king? What'd they call you, my liege?

[Alright. This guy might be the closest thing to sentient guttertrash Eridan's gander bulbs have ever had the displeasure of being exposed to.

On the other fin, he seems to fucking get how to treat royalty. This? Eridan can get used to.

But why in the fucking hell did he have to look like a flesh golem made from people who were afraid of personal hygiene???]

I'm the bloody Prince a' Hope. The penultimate hue to none other than the Empress an' Heiress apparent themselwes. Kinda a huge deal, if you're catchin' my drift.

[A subtle pun. Just a little one. Look, he's being friendly kinda! Ignore how that look of disgust is still planted on his face, that's almost a default expression anyways.]

[Guttertrash is all in the eye of the beholder, buddy.]

I knew it! I knew it! Just one look at you, Stripe, and I could tell you were a Prince.

[Do you hear the capitalization of the word Prince? Because you're supposed to. It might be hard with all this mouth, though.]

The Prince of Hope, huh? Sounds important. And second only to the Empress and Heiress! Wow! That's a huge deal!

[A slight pause, and Bill's eye narrows ever so slightly.]

I bet she was pretty, wasn't she?

[And his is the eye that matters!]

Eridan. Stop callin' me stripe.

[He's still grossed out by this mound of animate flesh, but at least he knows the sight of royalty when it's under his serpent like nose.

That next question, however, gives pause as he stops to think about Feferi... more dead than alive, seeing as the last time he saw her, he punched a hole through her like she was cheap school paper.

What seems like a moment, in reality is several seconds of Eridan staring off to the side with a somewhat troubled expression--before he snaps back.]

Of course! It ain't like the most biologically superior beings in our galaxy was gonna not be downright mind blowin'ly beautiful.

[It... feels a little weird to go on about how objectively pretty a dead princess is, but you know, wwhatevver]

Edited 2018-01-18 18:56 (UTC)

[video]

mouthfordays - 2018-01-19 01:14 (UTC) - Expand

Few men are truly in charge of his own fate. Even, nay, especially when said place is a metaphorical privy. [Or did Eridan mean the butthole. The mysteries never end.]

'Tis the natural course of things to try to take the reigns, however.

[He grins]

And you happen to have stumbled upon a very useful store of information. I do well to memorize near-everything I hear!

[Eridan half pays attention to what Alphinaud says, mainly because he doesn't come right out and says he knows shit about what the hapless prince requested.

As much as Eridan loves validation in his perceived struggles—blame falling to anyone but him is about as good as it gets sometimes—he's much more interested in his question being answered.]

You don't say. Well, fuckin' spill it—Or are you lookin' for a formal fuckin' inwitation here?

[Impatiently he gestures for Alphinaud to get on with it.]

[He abso-fucking-lutely is looking for an inwitation]

Well, it wouldn't do to simply tell you aught that you already know! Do you have one of your own? That would be a good place to start.

[He is just, so goddamn smug looking on the video feed. His camera is set up on a desk, clearly in some sort of office space. An eevee hops into his lap.]

[The smugness is honestly grating on Eridan's nerves, but if this hoofbeast's ass has anything valuable to share, he supposes he can suffer him for a little longer. Maybe.]

Well maybe you should tell me how long you'we ewen been here for. For all I know, you could a' just been told the basics and you think you're some know-it-all hotshot, what with how you seem to be so bloody proud a' yourself.

I got two a' my own, eff-why-aye.

[When the Eevee jumps up, slightly into view, it clearly catches Eridan's attention.]

... What's that one?

[He pets it, looking rather like a cheesy villain in his office chair.]

This is an Eevee, the "evolution" Pokémon. It has a myriad of other creatures it may turn into, under the right conditions. I plan to see if I can coax a new evolution out of my companion here based on the evolutions of others.

[The Eevee seems amenable enough to him. Alphinaud casually dodges the question about how long he's been here. That's less important than the quality of his research in that time, thanks.]

What two do you have?

Is that all it's good for? Like, are those other evolutions kickass or some shit? Or are they just for show?

[As if on cue, his Snivy climbs up Eridan's scarf, from behind, nearly choking him in the process. If Eridan was trying to convey some sense of dignity, it's all but lost with that unexpected display.

The Snivy, on the other hand, perches arrogantly on his owner's shoulder, as if he hadn't just tried to choke him out via his shitty scarf. With an offered glare at the leafy reptile, Eridan looks back to the feed.]

This fuckin' piece a' shit is lucky he's of use... Anyway, this is my Sniwy.

[Snivy is what he means, but you know, accents and all.]

I'd show you the other one, but quite frankly, I don't think your inferior pan can handle its majesty.

[That is to say, Eridan would rather blow smoke outta his own ass about how cool his trubbish is, than actually show the thing off to anyone. Thoughts of throwing it into a dumpster and never looking back are far more recurrent than daily, to say the least.]

The literature assures me that they are all quite powerful in their own right. There are eight known, each commanding a different element.

[His lip quirks as the "Sniwy" chokes him momentarily.] A handsome specimen, to be sure.

[Inferior... pan? Well. Between context and dealing with beast tribes, Alphinaud is at least well enough equipped not to be confused. Though.]

I believe my pan is far more than sufficient. I trust my name means little here, but I am hardly a common uneducated fool.

[More like a highly educated, uncommon fool. But moving along]

Pray show it to me then, if the creature is truly as majestic as you say, would you not wish to know all you could about it?

Sounds like a conwoluted waste a time. By the time you got all of 'em, you could hawe trained somethin' better.

[The Snivy definitely preens at being called handsome. Why thank you, Alphinaud, he might actually spare you a glance. Feel honored, he barely even looks at Eridan most the time.]

Yeah, whatewer, don't fluff his ego, he hardly fuckin' needs it.

[Moving along, he scoffs.]

I dunno, last sandsucker I showed this guy to couldn't handle it. Nearly blew out his innards tryin' to wrap his pan around how bloody fuckin' AWESOME it is.

[Or, it could have been the smell, but you know, whatever!]

My aim is not to get all of them— I'm studying its evolution. [was this guy even really listening? Oh well.]

[Blew out his innards.... What a colorful vocabulary on this... boy. Anyway, this is such obvious horseshit, Alphinaud thinks but precisely in those words.]

How magnanimous of you to spare others such a grisly fate. [he smiles] Perhaps you should just describe it to me. [Alphinaud picks up his pen, ready to jot notes and sketch whatever comes out of this guy's mouth.]

Doubly so should you believe you have discovered a new species. One deserving of the ego-fluffing you are so willingly bestowing upon it.

Yeah, whatewer. Point remains.

[...FUCK.

Eridan pauses, as if thinking the most thoughtful of thoughts, but truth be told he's panicking trying to think of a really kickass way to describe his trubbish...

Or, maybe something else entirely.]

Well, that works. You gonna take notes, I guess?

[yeah, he's stalling.]

Edited 2018-02-11 06:01 (UTC)

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stratezeitgeist - 2018-02-11 06:21 (UTC) - Expand

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unconchonable - 2018-02-11 06:57 (UTC) - Expand

JANUARY - FEBRUARY TEST DRIVE MEME

Eridan Ampora ♒ Homestuck

be gentle with me zorn

Gentle? You know me better than that, Dees!

I do. You dratted demon.

Damn right!

[video]

[video] I started this tag and black mirror devoured me

[video] hmmmm, gotta make some more icons

[video] You mean that Mona Lisa isn't a good enough one???

[video] it's pretty great, not gonna lie, BUT...

[video] I see you added more masterpieces to your gallery!

[video] fine art

[video] Or what us illustrators like to refer to as "Fart"

[video] only the fartiest of fart

[video] Art that could very well be made from someone farting on a canvas!

[video]

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