ohmyarceus | January - February Test drive

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test drive

January - February Test drive

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It. Or them! Whichever it prefers, really. I've got one of my own, and ghosts don't really bother with the whole concept of gender, on the whole. I mean, it's possessing a teacup.

[Claude's voice stays effortlessly light and breezy as he continues chattering about something blatantly unimportant. Which has really always been his modus operandi - deflecting with humor, never letting anything get too deep, never letting himself be too vulnerable. Emotional intimacy with Claude isn't easily achieved, not for someone who'd spent so long barely having anyone to trust, anyone who actually liked him enough not to hurt him if he got the chance. Outside of Nader and his parents, he'd scarcely had anyone like that in Almyra...and if he'd found people in Fodlan who were different, he'd still never dared to trust them completely. Not enough to share his secrets with them...or to let himself wholly believe that doing so wouldn't change their minds. Even once he'd actively fallen in love with Dimitri and Felix and Sylvain...he'd been terrified of their reaction, even as he'd told them. And maybe still wouldn't have, if it hadn't felt so necessary at that juncture.

With Lorenz, someone he'd been deeply fond of but who'd also turned on him...letting this conversation get too deep, too intense, feels like vulnerability. So he sidesteps it.

Or tries to, but of course Lorenz has to spoil his best-laid plans. His father wishes he was half as good at foiling Claude's schemes. But for all Claude's uneasiness at the conversation jack-knifing in a direction he'd rather it didn't go, his own discomfort doesn't really sit front and center. Lorenz looks so...miserable. And for all Lorenz's faults, Claude had liked him - still likes him. That's the only reason the betrayal had stung the way it had. Deep down, Lorenz still feels like one of his Deer.

And seeing what is clearly guilt on Lorenz's face, and hearing that apology...it confirms some of Claude's guesses about just how much influence Count Gloucester had on what happened. Not even Claude's best spies had been able to find out much, so he'd been left to wonder just how much of the betrayal was Lorenz and how much was his father...but either this is the remorse of someone who realizes they were wrong only after they've comprehensively failed, or - more likely - this points to the bulk of the responsibility being on the elder Gloucester's end.

...even then, Claude still tries to think of some way to drag the moment back to something lighthearted. He wrestles with it for a second or two before giving in with a sigh.] I'm not sure how much of an apology I'm owed. Just how much luxury of choice did you have? I guessed your father probably had a hand in things.

[Lorenz has gone over this conversation in his head a thousand times. What he would do, what he might say if he had one more chance. When actually faced with it though even that sigh, despite the words that follow, feel like a judgement, disappointment, just one more failure to add to an ever growing list.

He flinches ever so slightly, shaking his head.

Choice? It had always been a game of finding ways to chose the lesser evil.]

I should never have gone home when he summoned me from Derdriu... I thought- [A bitter sound somewhere between a laugh whimper. One he follows quickly by clearing his throat, forcing himself to look up, to meet Claude's gaze even if it was through some strange contraption instead of face to face.] I thought I could sway him.

In the end the only choice I managed was when and where I would fall.

You've always been dutiful to a fault, Lorenz. [The smile Claude gives him is complicated, but not without affection.] Anyway, even if you had been willing to throw over your familial duties completely, I wouldn't expect you to make that kind of stand over a simple summons home. And then he dragged you into whatever designs he had going, I assume? Or I guess if you were trying to work on him, you did have some say...although compared to the idea of letting him keep doing what he was doing, you probably didn't feel like you had any better options than to try and soften the blows. Right?

Unfortunately, and no offense, but your father's a real piece of work. I can't say you had no impact, since he did eventually concede to what I needed and I can't gauge how much of that was thanks to you, but he's about as flexible as a mountain. It took having the Empire on our doorstep and me practically locking the council up in a room with me while I threatened to talk them to death to get even as much as I did. So whatever you tried to do and couldn't, I don't think that's any failing of yours. He's not a listening or compromising type of guy - evidently not even with his own son.

[But Lorenz's words give him pause, and he frowns.] Wait - fall? You were fine the last time I saw you... [He pauses.] Although I guess that doesn't mean much here.

This place - sometimes it brings people here from different times, or where they remember different versions of events as being true. We had a Teach here for awhile who'd taught our house back at the academy, if you'll believe that - and a Lysithea who remembered that, too. Kind of like a different timeline, where people made different choices. So...what I remember and what you remember may not line up perfectly.

Were you at the battle of Derdriu?

I know you're right but... I had to at least try. I hadn't wanted to admit to the sorts of... things he'd allied himself with.

[Those beasts that had tortured Lysithea and done horrid things he could hardly recall. Still in league with them after all these years, or at least willing to use them to gain more political power. But he does smile faintly at Claude, grateful for the attempt at easing how hard he was being on himself. Even knowing how insurmountable a task it was, it doesn't make his failure any less devastating.]

Claude it had been ages since we last saw one another... [What does him being fine... a year ago? more than? have to do with things as they were in the present? He frowns, looking a bit dejected when Claude gets to that last question.]

So battle came to Derdriu after all. No, I wasn't there. I remember being at the bridge, trying to keep Father's attention on the Southern border rather than meddling with your plans. I had little choice in the matter, I took the field there to defend the bridge against the professor and the other Lions. I tried to convince Ferdinand to walk away, to come back to Derdriu before the battle even began. I-

[He shakes his head again, rolling his eyes at himself.]

I was such a stubborn fool.

I know. You didn't want to give up on your family. It's hard to admit a cause is hopeless when that's the last thing you want to be true. [Claude's personal dream is a world without borders, a world without racism and xenophobia. He'd taken wounds at Gronder begging a maddened Dimitri to come to his senses and work together with him and the Alliance. Claude can't hold it against Lorenz for being bad at something he himself is even worse at.]

At the end of the day, I knew that no matter what, you were doing what you thought was best for the Alliance. That's the kind of guy you are. [He refuses to use the past tense for Lorenz - not just because the man is here and alive right now, but because the thought of him dying...he hates that.] Even if it had actually been the case that what you thought was best for the Alliance wasn't me, I couldn't resent you for that. [It had just hurt. All the more so because he knew how principled Lorenz is, in his own odd ways.]

Anyway...for me, you were at the battle of Derdriu. The battle at the bridge...I'm guessing you're talking about the battle at Myrddin? The Lorenz of my world made it through that one, although he ended up joining Teach and Dimitri's army after being defeated there. So you did come back to help Derdriu out, in the end, when they came to our aid...the way I remember things, anyway. And we won that battle. I know you were still alive when it ended - and for me, I ended up getting pulled here only a month or so after that. Not that we really talked there; things were, y'know, kinda awkward still.

[He shakes his head.] But listen - this is a whole new world. Whatever happened back home...you're alive here, and the politics from Fodlan have no meaning in this place. If you actually died at Myrddin...then I'm glad this place brought you here, so you could have something better than that.

I did agree to go with the Professor... But... Ferdinand- He wouldn't listen.

[It's all a bit of a jumble, those last few moments, everyone shouting at one another, no one willing to stand down, Ferdinand refusing to listen to reason and that godforsaken woman only riling him up more. Perhaps... perhaps that blow is not the end of him, maybe he just doesn't remember waking up.

Lorenz sighs, bowing his head, setting the phone down for a moment to rub at his forehead as though that will stave off the headache forming there.]

Are things really so simple here? That the politics are able to be set aside like that?

Ah but you said the Kingdom army came to our aid? I suppose we owe them a great debt, then.

[It all sounds too good to be true, really. That they might have been able to join forces against Edelgard after all the years of bickering between themselves and people like his father only encouraging that strife.]

[Ah...Teach. Of course it'd be Teach.

Claude...tries to stuff down the mix of feelings that comes with hearing that Lorenz had turned from the Empire at Byleth's offer. The same dull ache he'd felt when the last Byleth - and Lysithea - had told him that Lorenz had never left his side in a universe where Teach had chosen their house. That feeling that the one who really held sway over Lorenz and his willingness to openly defy his father isn't him and has never been him, but actually lies with Byleth. Even outsider to outsider, he still comes up lacking.

This Lorenz had been defying his father, in his own way - so even if this isn't the same Lorenz Claude knew in his world, that's probably true of both of them. And even Teach had needed to defeat Lorenz, had needed to narrow his choices to defection or death, before he'd turned; probably he'd have done the same for anyone in that position, especially if his loyalty had never really laid with the Empire. Maybe the only difference between their timelines was that a Golden Deer Teach had kept Lorenz from going home, maybe on a total whim. It doesn't have to mean anything, and probably shouldn't.

It aches all the same.]

Duke Aegir's position was pretty uncomfortable under Edelgard, wasn't it? I wonder if Ferdinand felt like he couldn't abandon his father, either...

As for politics being set aside here, why wouldn't it be that simple? We're not in Fodlan. We're not even in our own world anymore. None of those considerations have any meaning here. As for the politics of this world...honestly, they barely seem to exist. Don't ask me how, but this place doesn't seem to have much in the way of authority outside of presidents of companies, or mayors of each town. And this world is more peaceful than any I've ever dreamed of. Outside of gangs of criminals, who are relatively petty thieves in the grand scheme of things, there's hardly any conflict at all as we're used to. Not even poverty seems to be a concern in this place - some of the creatures they have here, pokémon, can functionally generate infinite money, and it doesn't seem to de-stabilize the economy at all when they do. I don't understand it, but at the same time...after what we've come from, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth too closely. Not that answers are particularly easy to find here no matter how hard you look. Some things in this world just don't make sense, and I've had to learn to live with that.

[Which has not been easy, for someone of Claude's endless curiosity.]

But yeah, the Kingdom came to help us right when we needed it. I lured the Imperial army into a mostly evacuated Derdriu, using myself as bait, and banked on Dimitri and Teach responding to my call for aid...and they swept in behind the Imperials to close the jaws of the trap. [He winks at Lorenz.] They were caught between our forces and the ocean on one side, and the Kingdom army on the other.

You didn't get to see it, but...Dimitri came back to his senses not long before the battle at Derdriu. The Dimitri that's here in this world was brought here from before regaining them, but...with plenty of support, he's recovered a lot in his own way.

[The professor was merely a means to an end, a way to get back to where he belonged, back to Derdriu. He's quiet, listening to Claude explaining things, trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. It's a lot to take in but the shift in focus from home to these pokémon helps him process a little bit. Not that he's not paying attention but just... a little distance from all of the mess from home is nice.

If he's honest just seeing Claude is nice, hearing him talk about things that make no sense, the reminder of all the clever ways his mind works. Things Lorenz would not have thought to even question, at least not for a good long while.

By the time he gets back to talking about Derdriu some of the weight has lifted from Lorenz' expression, lips tilted up in a soft smile, appreciative of the explanation and the fact that Claude is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.]

I wish I'd been there to see it... and it's good to know that in another version of events the Professor kept his word. I'd have been none too thrilled if he hadn't returned to Derdriu with me.

You know... I didn't realize it until I'd returned to the Estate, after Father summoned me back to Gloucester, how much Derdriu had come to feel like home.

[And for a fleeting moment he's afraid he might cry, the weight of how much he'd missed Claude and their friends and being somewhere that he didn't have to be afraid of what might come at every turn, what threats were slinking through the halls. He sighs softly, blinks rapidly before shaking his head as if to dismiss the sudden swell of emotion.]

I admit I did not see much of His Majesty at Myrddin but I... had heard rumors. It is good to hear that he is improved.

I'm sure you were happier with us than you were at House Gloucester, though I don't know if that's got anything to do with Derdriu. [Unsurprisingly, Claude is pretty canny about it not having been anything in regards to geography that made Lorenz happy...or miserable.]

Unfortunately, as far as 'us' goes, I'm the only one of our former Deer classmates here...Lysithea was around for awhile, but then she got sent back home. Everyone else from our world here is from the Blue Lions...including Teach, technically. So you'll have to make do with me, I guess!

This place has been good for a lot of us, really. Hopefully it can be for you, too. Although even for us, it didn't take much to improve on coming from a place wrapped up in a bloody war...I guess for you, the bar is set even lower.

Are you in New Bark Town, Lorenz? I can bring you to where the rest of us are, if you want, although the travel time will be a little rough. Still, I can be there...within the next 24 hours, definitely. As far as I'm concerned, I'd invite you to stay with us, but I'm living with a lot of other people and they all would have a say, too. And I don't know what you'd want to do.

[There's a moment, brief and enough to make his heart catch in his throat, where he worries what else Claude might think. Who he might guess feels like home to him. Color rises to his cheeks but, thank the Goddess, Claude carries on talking before he's able to stammer out some foolish excuse or insistence that it was the city itself.]

Only Lions? Hmm... It is a pity that Lysithea is no longer here. It would do my heart good to see that she is safe.

[Too many moments in the past months that have reminded him of what those people are capable of, of how much damage they could do. Things that made him worry that The Count might have made a play at Ordelia or at least was planning to. Territory that would make him even more of a force to be reckoned with. ]

Ah... no I- had rather a lot to think about and no idea others were here so I... took the advice of some townsfolk. I believe this place is Cherrygrove? A bit misleading when one is on a beach but there are certainly worse things to call a place.

I'd hate to impose, Claude, really. I'm sure I can find my way well enough. You needn't trouble yourself over me.

[Polite as ever no matter how much he wants to beg Claude to come find him just so he can assure himself this isn't some far fetched fantasy or hallucination after what surely must have been a fatal wound.]

[Fortunately for Lorenz, Claude isn't singling himself out as feeling like home to Lorenz - and, even if he was told that was how Lorenz thinks of it, he'd still make the argument that their fellow Deer played a part, too. Whoever Lorenz might be pining for romantically, having people who feel like family (and it'd be easy for any of them to count towards that far more than Count Gloucester) is important, too.]

You're not imposing; I'm coming whether you like it or not, actually. [Claude grins.] So I might be the one overstepping here. You think I'd just leave you to have to fend for yourself in a world you barely know yet? Especially when you had such a rough time before you got here? Whether or not you stick with us, I'm at least going to look after you until you're more settled in.

I'm glad you're in Cherrygrove, though. That cuts down on the distance a bit. Just stay there, okay? I should be there in...a little over six hours. [It'd be shorter, thanks to the warps in the pokécenters, but the train ride between Kanto and Johto can't be sped up any.]

Ah, of course. You've gone far too long without disregarding my suggestions. Only natural that should be your first inclination.

[Lorenz makes a show of sighing heavily, closing his eyes lest he give in to the temptation to roll them and bringing a hand up to smooth over his hair as though Claude's very existence might literally have ruffled him.]

At the very least wait until morning. It will be late by the time you get here at that rate. I've managed to acquire a room for the evening if nothing else.

[Yes, sassing him is much easier than considering the implications of Claude deciding he's going to be "looking after him". ]

What can I say? I've also gone way too long without getting your looks of exasperated disapproval. [Claude winks.] Your aggravation is the first spring rain to the parched desert of my psyche.

I guess you wouldn't be interested in flying anywhere tonight...because that's how I'll be taking you back, you know. There's no wyverns here, but there are flying pokémon that are close enough, and they're one of the fastest ways to travel. So I hope you're ready to go up in the air with me.

[Lorenz probably did not realize this, and now he has to decide if what awaits him is a dream or a nightmare - riding alongside Claude on a flying mount, probably having to hold onto him for the flight...]

But are you sure you don't want me to at least come to you tonight? We've got a lot to catch up on, you've had a rough time, and you're still adjusting to this place. Having some company would probably be good for you.

You would have found yourself another lizard to fly on. Haven't they any horses here?

[But instead of continuing his token complaints Lorenz pauses, struck by a thought that has him swallowing down his emotions again.

He could have his own mount again. One that was his and would never be at risk of being put down for the sin of obeying her master instead of his father. It had been a reminder, a show of callous cruelty just to drive home the point that The Count had no qualms about destroying something valuable if it was the slightest bit disloyal.

Just like him. ]

I... Will leave it to your judgment, Claude. Whether you wish to begin the trip tonight or in the morning.

[As though he's not struggling with his emotions so very obviously. As though Claude would be willing to let him suffer alone if he could stop it. When he speaks again he can't look at the camera and his voice is tight with the effort of restraint. ]

It would be a comfort to no longer be alone.

None of them are lizards, I'll have you know! There's a lot of variety here. As for horses, there are plenty, and I've got a few as well, but there's a reason the saying is 'as the crow flies'. Flying will always be faster than riding just because of all the obstacles you can glide right over.

[Unbeknownst to either of them, the countdown to Lorenz getting himself a Galarian Rapidash has begun.

In the meantime, Claude nods, looking completely sure of himself.] All right - six hours and counting it is, then. I'll be coming out of the pokécenter - it's the big red building with the nurses inside, you can't miss it - so keep an eye out for me. I just have to let the others know I'm leaving.

[It was always a matter of when.

Lorenz actually smiles, properly smiles, when Claude gets so defensive over his lack of lizard but his expression softens to something sadder, more hesitant when he carries on insisting he'll come to him tonight. He doesn't have it in him to argue, though, certainly not when Claude seems so sure of himself.]

Then... I will see you in a few hours. Perhaps we can have dinner when you arrive.

[It will be fairly late but... it's been so long since he was able to spend time with the other man.]

Sounds good! My treat. I've earned plenty of money here in this world, while you've only got limited funds right now, so no arguing. [In fact, Claude cuts off the call to prevent any arguments even being made.

It doesn't take him long to tell the rest of their group where he's going and why - a couple of them have talked to Lorenz already - and then he's off to catch a train with his team. It's a rather boring six hours...or it would be, if he didn't spend it amusing himself by texting Lorenz random wild facts about this world in order to enjoy his absolutely incredulous reactions.

He's missed a lot of things about Lorenz - not just over the past year, but even before that, when they'd lost contact - but teasing him is very high on the list. It's just natural that a guy as laid-back as Claude wouldn't be able to help gently needling a guy wound as tight as Lorenz is - partly just for the amusement factor, but also partly to encourage the guy to loosen up himself. Claude doesn't feel like Lorenz's virtues would lose anything if he eased up a little.

There's admittedly a secondary purpose to the teasing, though. The playful back-and-forth isn't just for Claude's benefit, and it's not without purpose - the things Claude does rarely are. It's settling them back into their old dynamic, a familiar routine that might help Lorenz feel more at ease and more at home. And if nothing else, it's a lighthearted distraction to keep Lorenz from brooding over...quite a lot of heavy, dark thoughts he's clearly weighed down with. Claude hates to think of the guy spending six hours in his own head, working himself up or tearing himself down or, possibly, both. He hates the thought of one of his Deer suffering and miserable while he's not there to do something about it.

So for now, he'll keep Lorenz in the now. It can't last forever - some things can't be avoided, only deferred - but whenever the full weight comes crashing down on Lorenz, Claude wants him to be among friends. Even just one friend might be enough.

And so it is that some six hours and change later, Claude is leaning on the desk of the pokécenter, fighting down the nausea of...going through the warps a little too fast. It's hard not to rush the end of the journey, though, when he knew it was only a matter of minutes between himself and Cherrygrove. While he breathes slowly, letting his stomach settle, he wonders absently if Lorenz is already waiting outside, or if he should give him a call to let him know he's arrived. In the end, he opts for the latter, opening up another video call.]

Hey, Lorenz! Your transportation has arrived! [He's starting to feel a little better, and he's usually good at only letting people see what he wants them to see, so hopefully Lorenz won't notice his passing nausea.]

[He's not great with the whole texting thing, Claude's chaos is actually the first of it he's done. Even short responses take an inordinate amount of time and he complains at least twice about why in heavens someone decided to arrange the letter this way.

What the hells is a qwerty? Is that a pokémon???

For all his complaints, though, Claude's plans work beautifully. Both in keeping Lorenz anchored in the present and also settling them back into familiar banter (something that is likely going to become a ceaseless ongoing texting habit). No, the flaw in Claude's plan is thinking for even a moment that Lorenz doesn't start pacing just far enough from the pokécenter's glass doors to not trigger the sensor...a good fifteen minutes before the six hour mark.

For all his attempts to be smooth and hide the nausea that comes with the quick succession warping Lorenz is marching into the building the same moment he's trying to set up the call, completely ignoring the chime, intent on the man himself. Surely the sound immediately behind him will have Claude redirecting his attention from the phone to Lorenz who, for all the determination in his stride, wavers at the last moment. He draws up short, smile wobbling just a little. The relief of actually seeing Claude nearly destroying all the work the other man's put into keeping him from brooding.

Ah but he seems unwell and Lorenz... should keep his hands to himself but some part of him can't resist a light touch to Claude's arm, delicate almost... as though he might crumble away with too much pressure.]

Are you... alright?

[Claude straightens up as soon as he hears the door open, and it's just as well he's putting on appearances immediately because it does turn out to be Lorenz. In his own way, Claude considers his outward presentation just as much as Lorenz - they just have different priorities.

He offers the other man his most charming smile, and if he's a little pale still, it genuinely is fading.] I'm fine! It's just - you know that Warp spell Lysithea has? This place has contraptions that do more or less the same thing that let you move from town to town quickly. I mean, you can only use them if you've traveled to the town normally at least once, that's why I can't take you back as quickly as I got here, but...well, anyway, if you use those machines to jump from town to town too fast, it can make you feel a little sick to your stomach, that's all. It'll fade on its own.

[Claude could lie about this, but he doesn't think Lorenz would buy it now that he can see Claude in person. Besides, he's been lying a lot less over the past year, and telling the truth really isn't that big of a deal here. Not really worth the effort of pretending.

In the meantime he leans forward, peering up at Lorenz.] What about you? You're the one I'm more worried about.

[His most charming smile is... rather disarming, honestly. Goddess he's missed seeing the mischievous little monster and his stupidly handsome face.

Lorenz returns the smile as best he can, trying his hardest not to get too choked up just being in the presence of one of the few people he genuinely considered a friend after being isolated for so long. He's honestly hardly paying attention to explanation. Right, warping. Some of the deeper more.... unpleasant places in Fódlan have similar contraptions, though they utilize the same strange dark magics that the Agarthans use.

Just think of them has his already fragile smile wavering for a moment, the fingers touching Claude's sleeve so lightly curling just a little, like he might just cling to him but he doesn't allow himself to do it. If he lets himself do any of a number of things that might make him feel better he's afraid what little self control he has will crumble.]

Fine... I- I'll be fine.

[Alas for Lorenz, Claude has always been far too observant for his own - or anyone else's - good. He sees Lorenz faltering, hears the waver in his voice, and...man, Lorenz really has been miserable, hasn't he? It had been obvious before, of course, but seeing how fragile and unconvincing his facade is, when Lorenz puts such importance on pride and appearances...that communicates it more thoroughly than anything else possibly could. Maybe even more so than any actual words Lorenz could use, if he cared to.

That settles it. Claude had kind of wanted to hug Lorenz anyway - he's missed him, perhaps more than he'd realized until he'd actually seen him again and the elephant in the room between them had been addressed - but he thinks Lorenz might actually need one. So, with a smile and a shake of his head, he steps forward and pulls the lanky idiot into an embrace.

...emphasis on the lanky, actually. Without that fancy armor in the way, and when Claude's actually got his arms around Lorenz, the slightly surprising ease with which he'd pulled in a guy taller than he is gets some context. He'd swear Lorenz didn't used to be this skinny...just how bad did the guy have it?]

C'mon, you can unbend enough to just admit you missed me. I mean, if you think you're actually fooling anyone right now, much less me, then I might have to be offended.

[He stumbles forward into the other man's arms, breath caught uncomfortably in his chest for a moment, stiff and uncertain. It only takes a few seconds for exactly what he feared to happen, the steadily fraying hold on his emotions finally snapping. His arms go around Claude in return and for telling himself he wasn't going to cling a moment ago he clutches his friend to him now, squeezing him tight enough that he could almost hide the way he trembles.

Holding his breath isn't going to last as a means of self restrain but it gives him another moment of pretending like he's not a complete disaster. But Claude in his infinite wisdom decides to tease him and it startles a laugh out of him, or something that was meant to be a laugh. Except it comes out as more of a sob and then Lorenz half collapses against Claude, face buried in his shoulder. If he must cry then at least he can hide against Claude and wonder when he'd come to associate safety with a man that he'd once been so suspicious of.]

I did- [The words are wet and shaky but he keeps himself to sniffles and trembling breaths, able to keep himself from outright sobbing at the very least.] I missed you so much.

[Er... maybe able to keep himself from outright sobbing]

[Oh, man.

Somehow, for all Claude's infinite wisdom, he hadn't actually expected Lorenz to break down like this, even though he'd known the other man was in a bad state. In retrospect, maybe that was uncharacteristically stupid of him. Whether or not it's accurate - Lorenz himself doesn't seem entirely sure anymore, and Claude is happy to cling to that scrap of hope rather than believe otherwise - Lorenz had thought he'd died. Alone, desperate and scared, full of regrets, trying to do what he believed was right all the way to the end but none of it going the way he wanted it to. Who wouldn't break down?

(Thinking of Lorenz dying with his regrets laying heavy on him...it makes him think of some of the more disturbing beliefs of Faerghus. And, for a moment, he almost thinks he sees a glimmer of sense in it. Not that preaching that kind of doctrine, thinking that the regretful dead are burning in a sort of hell until their regrets are resolved for them, is a good thing by any means, but...the way it makes him feel, he can see why those feeling the same might try to justify doing whatever they felt would help the dead rest easier. Less a service to the dead than a balm - and perhaps an excuse - for the grieving. Claude's never been a particularly vengeful or violent person, but...if Lorenz died like that, then Edelgard and Count Gloucester have something to personally answer to Claude for.)

Still...somehow, Claude hadn't seen this coming. Perhaps because he and Lorenz have rarely been this raw and vulnerable with each other - Lorenz rarely, Claude next to never. They're way off the map of their usual dynamic, and Claude isn't quite sure how to navigate it. It feels oddly harder than the emotional intimacy that he's developed with the Blue Lions here, despite the fact that he knows Lorenz far better than he initially knew any of them. Maybe it's due to most of the territory having been uncharted with them - with less familiarity, the unfamiliar hadn't felt so strange.

Lorenz has always been a difficult one, too - it isn't as simple as just pouring compassion and sympathy on him. The man has his pride, and as battered as it might be right now, Claude still thinks he probably has it in him to be offended if he feels Claude is coddling him. It's a delicate needle to thread, but...well, if his Deer aren't worth the effort, who is?

He chuckles a little, rubbing Lorenz's back with one hand. It's an almost familial gesture, not that Lorenz comes from any kind of family where he'd be likely to recognize it.] Jeez, wasn't expecting you to actually admit it...now I'm all embarrassed. But I missed you too, Lorenz. Seriously. And as much as I hate what you had to come through...I'm glad you're here.

[The soothing pressure on his back does precisely as it's meant to, warm and comforting and helping him get himself back under control. He shakes his head, trying to draw in a full deep breath, failing, and then squeezing Claude one more time. It's a strange sort of sensation, the warmth and, whether Claude will admit it or not, care in such a gesture.

He can hardly recall the last time he cried never mind any sort of comfort offered for such unseemly behavior. A nobleman is not swayed by his emotions but instead logical and precise. Always. Something that had been drilled into him for as long as he can remember.

Don't get upset, don't get mad, don't show anyone that things affect you. You undermine your power with such needless emotions. You need to be untouchable. All pleasant smiles and polite nods and don't you dare question your father.

He'd never managed to be cold the way his father did but he could spout thoughtless pleasantries for days and that had been... acceptable.

But this? This was disgraceful. And here was Claude being kind to him, as though he wasn't making an utter fool of himself.

Lorenz sniffles again, swallows down another sob, and forces himself to take a step back. Distance, first and foremost. One hand comes up to his face, rubbing at his eyes as begins murmuring his apologies, voice still strained even though he's fighting so hard to get himself back under control.]

N-nonsense. If anyone should be embarrassed it's me. [One more attempt to scrub away any sign of tears from his face and pretend like his hold on his emotions is far more solid than it is (than it ever is, if he's honest.)]

My... apologies...

Embarrassed of what, Lorenz? Nobody's watching or judging here but me, and you know I'm not the kind of guy who demands people keep up appearances. If you need to just let yourself be overwhelmed for a few minutes, then I'm here to help you with that, and I'm not going to think less of you for it. [Claude pauses, then huffs out a smile.] But it's not me that's judging you, is it? It's you. Although I'd say if it's only your own standards you're not living up to, you don't have to make any show of apologizing to me. I'm not the one you feel like you're letting down here, am I? You know me better than that.

[He shakes his head.] I think under the circumstances, you'd be more than justified in cutting yourself some slack here...but despite my sterling example, you've never really learned how to do that, have you? Not that you've had much freedom to follow that example, with Count Gloucester always looming over you. But now that we're here...just remember that you do have that freedom now, okay? I know you're not going to unwind all at once, but...you can still loosen a little.

[He reaches out to lightly touch Lorenz's wrist.] C'mon, let's go grab some food. I'm not feeling sick anymore, and you feel like you've missed a few dozen meals.

January - February Test drive

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CW: animal cruelty/death

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